It's Hip to be Square

Alright deadbeats, let's cut the shitty introductions and get right to business. Firstly, my band didn't get together to practice today (what a surprise) and my day managed to be just about as counter-productive as yesterday (if that's even possible). Oh and about today's title...I decided I'd pay homage to some true words of widsom (not like that fortune cookie crap you get from Jonathon Edwards). Don't you know? It's hip to be square...thanks Huey Lewis and the News!

My apologies for even mentioning that 80's disaster. Today I was dragged along to a friend's place lured in by his promise of GTA: San Andreas "rOxOrInG mY bOxOrZ!!!111111". Right off the bat you should hit anybody with a bat who talks like that. Anyway with nothing better to do since my lame-ass band can't get a damn date right I decided to go along. Let me just say this, I thank God that I don't play or buy videogames for the music. HOLY SHIT...the kind of crap you get on most videogame soundtracks is amazing. While I was at this guy's house we were playing this other shitty game (some sort of generic racing game) and a Good Charlotte song came on. You know your game sucks when you feature Good Charlotte on your soundtrack. Still, I bit my lip hoping playing GTA (without having to pay for it I might add) would be worth it. Boy was I way off.

Where to begin. While still on the subject of music I must say that for the most part I wasn't impressed. We have 1 alternative rock station, 1 classic rock station, and about 8 or so hip-hop/funk/pop stations. I realize that the main character is black but GOD DAMN do they cram a fistful of hip-hop up your ass. I was quite disappointed with the "urbanized" way this game was developed. I suppose I should have seen this coming though considering Vice City was all over the Italian stereotypes. Nice work on effectively being "ghetto-pimp-gangsta-homie-g-unit" Rockstar! The whole time I played the game I wasn't sure whether I should "bust a funky lyric" or just kill myself.

Then there's the god awful names in this game. Wow, my gang's name is "The Grove Street Gang"...how intelligent and creative since we are a gang and we live in Grove Street. Seriously, what a pansy name. If I started a real gang called "The Grove Street Gang" people would probably think we're some sort of queer performing arts sissies. The character names don't get any better either. One of the other guys in your gang is named "Sweet". What kind of name is Sweet? Sounds like some sort of candyass to me. Why don't they just cut to the chase with all this "urbanizing" and rename the main character to "Snoop Dogg" already. Anyway enough about the new GTA, I'm starting to get pissed.

You know something? Today I woke up next to a girl that looked like Rikki Lake...jk...not even MY standards are that low. Although speaking of women I've certainly had my fill of all their bullshit lately. I met this bitchy short little hairy woman a few days ago. She was working the day shift at the library while I was checking out some old novels out of boredom. I guess I must have looked at her wrong because she came up to me and said in her shitty Gollum impression, "Make like Gollum and GO AWAY!". Wow lady, you're a real comedian. You've taken something REALLY topical and relevant (yeah, right) like LOTR and made a funny joke at the same time telling me to get lost. So I turned around to face the ugly little stump and in my BEST Gollum impression I said, "Stupid, fat hobbit!". Needless to say I'm banned from the library. Not that I care all that much, I hardly ever visit the library anyway unless I WANT to be reminded of what a 35 year old virgin looks like.

Another thing that happened lately that relates to women, a friend of mine introduced me to this girl a few days ago. I'll admit, the first thing I thought when I saw her was, "Damn" and "I'd hit it!". But after those first 5 minutes of bliss she decided to open her mouth and jabber on about her shitty taste in music and movies while I stared at her chest (well, maybe not "stared"...more like glanced at out of boredom). I managed to fake an interest pretty well before deciding to ask her to go get a drink (that way I could tolerate her better with some alcohol in me). We had a few drinks, a couple laughs, and I managed to somehow not score though I wasn't all that disappointed. I did find out the next day though that she was fucking my ex-rhythm guitarist. It does explain why he decided to quit to "do better things". Heh, I hope he gets AIDs before I do.

The last thing that happened today was that I started writing my screenplay. It's basically a series of movies about the events leading up to, including, and after the apocalypse. It reads like a big-budget Hollywood blockbuster but it'll probably end up being a shitty B-movie with the kind of money I make. But I still got Hollywood dreams...it's pretty much the reason people call me Callywood (since most of my friends think I'll either get famous as a musician or in the movies). If I ever do get famous, I'm pulling a Gene Simmons and sleeping with everybody and anybody pretty much any chance I get...oh wait...I already do that. Heh, cheers to my fellow deadbeats and losers!

This is Callywood signing off.

Welcome to the Jungle

Greatings fellow deadbeats!

Today is the beginning of what will probably be a very drawn out blog. I suppose introductions are in order. I'm Callywood (or at least that's what people call me) and I'm the lead singer of the unknown but soon-to-be-up-and-coming Canadian metal band Cipher Hour. If you're reading this you probably don't give a rats ass and you know what? You shouldn't since my band has yet to succeed at doing anything worthwhile. If you're reading and plan on being a long time reader for the long and asinine posts that'll surely follow this one you should know, most of this blog is going to consist of me moaning about my band, my life, and ranting about pretty much everything. So if you're interested in the moaning and raving of a deadbeat, you're in the right place.

Today is a good day to start a blog because it's a memorable day. A time of rememberance of those who gave their lives for yours and my freedom. If you couldn't guess already then you're probably a moron, but I'm talking about Rememberance Day. Yes, bring out your grannies and grandpas and parade them down the street with bagpipe fanfare in the background...this shit is the same every year. Right off the bat I just have to say that I respect the veterans, what they did, what they sacrificed, and I'm all for the celebration and the respect of that deed.

I'm not for the fucking lame ass, drawn out, kink-in-my-back-from-standing-in-silence-for-so-long ceremonies. Sure I'll bow my head in silence for a minute or two and sure I'll sing O' Canada and kiss some old guys ass till Tuesday...but dammit all if I have to listen to that "Flander's Fields" poem one more god damn time! Can't we find some new way to respect and honor these guys without having to hear the same poems and the same songs over and over again every year?

"But Callywood, it's only once a year!"

Yeah? Blow me. Just because it's only once a year doesn't mean the ceremony has to feel like someone pulling your teeth out through your ass. How about some new music instead of the same old church hymns? How about some new poems or stories instead of this poppy crap? Just because it's a serious and dramatic event doesn't mean it has to be boring and repetative.

"But Callywood, if you hate it so much, why don't you just not go?"

And stay home and watch the 13, 000 TV specials on it? That's a nice thought. I've got one of those families that drag me to these things every year whether I like it or not. I don't give them any lip about it because my grandfather fought in WW II and I respect that. But sometimes I wish I could just sleep in, mute the channel they're broadcasting the thing from and have my own minute of silence before getting on with my life.

Interesting enough, during the ceremony they had a helicopter fly over the parade and drop poppies on everybody. For a moment I imagined they were dropping those fake poppies with the pins in them and I pictured people being stabbed and suffering puncture wounds. I laughed a little so I know I'm going to hell.

Enough about Rememberance Day though. Today I searched for the 50th time on the net and in the paper for any mentioning of a rhythm guitarist available to play in a band. My band (Cipher Hour) has been looking for a 5th member for about 2 and a half months now. You'd think it would be easier to find someone that enjoys metal/hard rock and can play guitar in my area (Vancouver). Well that's Canada for you, completely useless (and sadly I can't say much better about the band members I DO have).

We're probably practicing tomorrow but no guarantees...it sucks ass playing together when we're missing a guy and the covers we do suck ass. My drummer is obsessed with RHCP and Velvet Revolver and whenever anybody else suggests something half decent he turns it down unless it's one of the two mentioned (or Blink 182...God I fucking hate that band). I don't get too mad at him though because he's fat and that's punishment enough.

Oh and in case you were lured by the title and thought I was going to talk about Guns N' Roses, you weren't entirely mislead. I'm a self proclaimed Guns N' Roses nut and you'll probably see a whole post/rant dedicated to them pretty soon. I used one of their song titles mostly because it fits the situation and my younger cousin just dropped by to borrow my Appetite For Destruction CD. I couldn't be more proud that my cousin is so heavily into classic/hard rock as opposed to what is popular with his peers (pop-shit and hippedy hop). I'm hoping to introduce him to some more awesome bands soon enough (but you never wanna rush these things).

Anyway, I've kind of jumped around a lot and I'm about to get pretty damn wasted. It's the only way I can pass the time when I'm bored or its late and nobody is around. Yeah, I know I'm a singer and drinking is bad for the ol' vocal chords. Fuck you. I do what I want. They don't call me a deadbeat for nothing.

This is Callywood signing off.